TORONTO (Oct. 3) — Transcript of today’s media briefing from the Bullsh** Room at Mara–Lago Arena:
LEAFS MEDIA RELATIONS DIRECTOR KAYLEIGH KEOUGH: Thank–you for assembling here on short notice. A couple of requests… we ask that you sit, wherever possible, two per–chair. We also encourage that you not wear a mask, as our goaltenders have been instructed to go bare–faced next season. There is no evidence that a mask is protection against pucks flying at more than 120 miles–per–hour. In fact, they could pose a health risk by inhaling one’s own sweat. You’ll notice we have removed Kleenex from the Bullsh** Room. If you have to cough or sneeze, we ask that you do so directly upon the individual sharing your seat. We’re going to assume that person has received a flu shot. Finally, we ask that you not wait for the microphone. Please interrupt and shout questions over one another. As I accept my new position here today, I promise never to lie to the Toronto media… so long as it doesn’t ask a pertinent question. It is now my honor to introduce Donald J. Trump as new President and General Manager of the Leafs.
(Trump claps loudly while the rest of the room remains silent)
DONALD J. TRUMP: Thank you Kayleigh and welcome everyone. It is, indeed, your pleasure to be here today. It’s about time this organization hired someone with a proven track record. I know it’s been awhile but many of you will remember my years running the Kansas City Scouts. Yes, we won 27 of 160 games over two seasons, but the 1974 expansion draft was rigged. We made all our picks in person at the Queen Elizabeth Hotel while the Washington Capitals mailed their selections. We found a number of them floating in the Potomac River and near the bottom of waste baskets at National Airport. Washington was allowed to pick thousands of players; we only got 25. That’s why the Capitals excelled from the outset and we struggled.
(As Trump continues to speak, fact–checker Rudolph Dale hastily distributes a note to all media about Washington’s 8–67–5 record in its expansion season, the worst in National Hockey League history)
TRUMP: The previous administration really fouled things up for our season–ticket base. Beginning on Monday — my first day in office — I will repeal and replace SHANACARE. It did nothing to protect our ticket holders from pre–existing defects to seats and private boxes. I also plan on being much tougher while handling my colleagues around the NHL. The BOFTA (Boston Bruins Free Trade Agreement) did nothing for us; it was a disaster. To think we got railroaded into sending the Bruins Tuukka Rask, Tyler Seguin and Dougie Hamilton while receiving shleppers like Andrew Raycroft and Phil Kessel. No wonder this team has struggled for so many years. The Toronto Maple Leafs will no longer lose when talking trade. It’s also time to change the dynamic around here. My teams lie, cheat and exaggerate. Fundamental decency has no place in this building. My players will be truculent. To ensure maximum effort, they will down a bottle of Hydroxichloroquine every day. I mean, what the hell?! It can’t hurt. I will now take a few questions.
(Trump sips from a glass of Clorox)
LEAFS NEW GM DONALD TRUMP TAKES ADVICE FROM NHL DEPUTY COMMISSIONER JUSTIN PLUTO.
TORONTO STAR WRITER KEVIN McGRUMP: Donald, what do you say to the 208,000 fans that have died in the few hours since the news broke about you being hired to run the Maple Leafs? After examining your record with Kansas City, a number of elderly fans keeled over without the chance of saying goodbye to loved ones.
TRUMP: It is what it is. Just be patient and my two–year record with the Scouts will mysteriously disappear. As if nothing happened. Had I not closed Kansas City International Airport when I did, plane–loads of Montreal Canadiens and Philadelphia Flyers would have visited more frequently. Think of what that would have done to our record. It wasn’t easy. The people running the Washington Capitals pushed hard for me to keep the airport open. But, I prevailed. Not many general managers would have acted so quickly.
(Trump loudly sneezes all over assistant GM Kyle DuPence)
TORONTO SUN COLUMNIST STEVE SCROOGEONS: But, you didn’t close the airport until mid-November. What about the wasted time in October when all those superior teams were allowed in?
TRUMP: You know you’re pathetic? To ask such a nasty question. Is it any wonder that you and your paper are dying? Nobody reads you. Look, I closed the airport. No one wanted me to do it. Only a bunch of crappy teams like Minnesota, California and Detroit made it in beforehand. I saved thousands — no millions — of points in the standings by acting so quickly. No general manager has ever accomplished that.
SCROOGEONS: Teams were still landing in St. Louis and Wichita, then driving to Kansas City.
TRUMP: You are such a disgrace. Had I kept the Kansas City airport open, thousands of people that look exactly like Guy Lafleur, Bobby Clarke, Gilbert Perreault and Denis Potvin would have infested our arena. Tens of millions of points could have been lost. I saved our franchise by moving so quickly.
TSN COMMENTATOR CRAIG BUTTONHOLE: Was there a medicinal compound or other agent that may have kept the best NHL players out of Kansas City? Even something experimental? I mean, you guys were no match for Lafleur and Clarke. Heck, even no–names like Flesch and Polonich were beating you.
TRUMP: Is there anyone around here that can ask a fair question? (Trump turns toward team doctor Noah Quirks and adviser Anthony Grouchy) Noah… I read where Pine–Sol can discourage the best players from invading a city. Even Vim and Mr. Clean. It knocks them out real quick. Is there some way through injection, or by swallowing, that we can get rid of these superstars?
(Quirks and Grouchy faint)
TORONTO SUN WRITER LANCE CORNPOKE: There are peaceful protesters outside the arena right now that aren’t happy with you being appointed to this position. Do you have anything to say to these people?
TRUMP: I’ll be making a very special visit in a few moments.
(Trump and his entourage march out of the Bullsh** Room. On Bay Street, Metro police scatter the peaceful protesters by spraying them with Lysol, Javex, Comet and dishwasher detergent. Trump boasts that no general manager has so–quickly cleansed a crowd of demonstrators. Police clear a path up Bay St. to College St., then for two blocks eastward. While flanked by DuPence, Keough, Quirks and Grouchy, Trump poses for photographers by holding up a Leafs media guide in front of Maple Leaf Gardens. He is quickly excoriated for such a brazen, pitiful move by ancestors of Conn Smythe, Hap Day and “Pops” the ice cream bar seller).
NHL GAME—WORN JERSEYS
From the late–1960’s to the mid–1970’s
And, now for something completely different: Here are 31 NHL uniforms, dating from 1967 to 1975; beginning and ending with the first and fourth design of the Pittsburgh Penguins. There was plenty of color in that golden era. Do you recognize all of these?